The pace of life gets faster and faster. There’s more and more we have to do: there’s more and more we want to do. How much more of this can we take?
Have you stopped recently to remind yourself that being stressed is a choice? (Although when you are up to your neck in crocodiles, it’s hard to remember that it IS a choice!)
We constantly make decisions, each of which has consequences for our lifestyle and on the amount of stress we face. There are the really big decisions that determine our life path; for example: where to live, whether to marry, have children, the kind of job we seek, personal targets we set ourselves, the cultural and recreational activities we choose to become involved with.
Then there are the smaller day to day choices, where we decide if wewill say “Yes” or “No”.
Yes, I can get back in time to come to your dinner party. I’ll come straight from the airport.
Yes, I’ll be pleased to do the opening at your product launch
Yes, I’ll definitely be at the presentation: I’ll bring copies of the figures for everyone
Yes, of course, you must stay the weekend; it’s no trouble
Yes, I can get the report done this evening. You’ll have it on your desk in the morning.
Yes, I’d love to stop by on the way home from work. I’ll pick up something to eat.
You could of course choose to say “No” in any of these situations. Think how doing so would ease the pressure! Think how much you often want to say “No” but don’t! Why don’t you? I think there are a number of reasons. We don’t want to offend, we feel obligated, we would feel guilty. Lastly, we just don’t know how to say “No”, without causing offense or damaging the relationship in some way.
Next time you want to say “No”, try these steps. Underlying them is the notion that you first offer consideration to the person making the request; then you give consideration to your own needs. Only THEN do you make your decision.
1. Ask questions until you are CLEAR on exactly what the person wants; check that you understand fully.
2. Use empathy to ACKNOWLEDGE how the person feels about the situation.
3. Step back and take time to RECOGNISE your own needs ands priorities.
4. Think through the EFFECT and consequences of your decision.
Then, if you decide to say “No”, FIRST give your reasons, so the other person can understand how you arrived at your decision. At least this way, they will understand your decision and be able to respect it, even if they would have preferred that you had said “Yes”.
Learn to say “No” so you can CARE for yourself.
These lines are from Dennis O’Driscoll’s poem, “No, thanks”. They express it rather more bluntly!
No, you can take No for an answer, without bothering
your head to pop the question.
No, even Yes means No in my tongue, under my breath:
No, absolutely not, not a snowball’s chance, not a
hope.