There’s scarcely a family that, at one time or another, has not had to deal with a squabble between family members. As the holiday season approaches and more family gatherings take place, there is a danger that these squabbles can become full scale wars.
The classical problems with in-laws are probably the most well known, and certainly the most talked about: mothers-in-law who won’t accept new sons or daughters–in-law; the new spouse who clearly won’t ever fit in with the rest of the family; the person who sides with their new partner and becomes distanced from the rest of the family.
As social norms change so the potential problems grow: the newly divorced dad who brings his girlfriend (Where did he find her?) to family gatherings; children of parents in second marriages who come together from different backgrounds and with different outlooks on acceptable behaviour.
Initially we use our social skills to cope with these difficult situations. We smile politely, make small talk, bite our lips. But what should be relaxed family get-togethers are often tense stressful occasions that can escalate into never to be forgotten scenes of emotional outburst. People vow never to repeat the occasion – until the next holiday comes around. There’s no point in thinking that one can avoid these family disagreements altogether. One thing is for sure however. The longer they last without something being done to ease the tension, the greater the potential for explosion. Someone has to speak up before it goes too far.
As an example, let’s take a situation where you have recently married into a family and have found yourself with an unfriendly sister-in-law. You have tried to be open and friendly. You have extended a number of invitations to her, which have been refused with various excuses. You have tried to open conversations with her but she seemed to have no interest in getting to know you. You’re starting to wonder if it’s your fault, although you don’t see how it can be. You decide to confront the situation with her so you can put your relationship onto a better footing. How do you do it?
First you need to plan the conversation carefully, starting with thinking through the reason you want to have it. The most positive assumption you can make is that you both want to be in a functional, supportive, and at least friendly, if not loving, family. If you can agree on this as a long term goal, then you already have a lot in common.
Next you need to think through how you are feeling about the situation. If you go into the conversation convinced that you are in the right and she is wrong, you are likely to come across as blaming and accusing. If you accuse someone, the only option you leave them is to defend themselves, and you are immediately headed for an argument. Put yourself into her shoes and think how she might see you. Be prepared to accept that in some way you may be part of the problem.
Then find a time and place where you can talk to her without interruption. Perhaps you can draw her aside in a family gathering. You might say something like, “Could we talk together for a moment? Let’s walk in the garden.”
Now you need to open the conversation in a way that lets her see the direction you intend to take, but without accusing or blaming. An easy opening might be to confirm with her the outcome you would like to achieve.
“I’m sure that we both have the best interests of the family at heart and would like to get along with each other as best as possible. However, there have been a couple of things that have concerned me recently, that I’d like to talk over with you.”
You now have to show the source of your concerns. Be specific and stick to the facts. Say just enough to support your concerns.
At our last dinner when we sat together I asked about your son who had been sick recently. You said, ”He’s fine, thank you”, and then turned to the person next to you and started to talk to them. I would have thought nothing more of it ….until I realized that I have invited you to our home on three occasions and each time you gave me a reason for not being able to come”.
Then express your concern, being careful not to accuse or blame.
Maybe I’m making too much of this, but I thought it better to speak to you than to keep my concerns quiet. I am not aware of anything I have done that might have caused offense but if there is a problem I would like to know so that we can address it.
Finally, invite her into the conversation, with an open question such as, “Can we talk about this?”
If there isn’t a problem – maybe you are being overly sensitive – you have done no harm. If there IS a problem that she is unwilling to discuss at this time, at least you have shown your sensitivity to the situation and your willingness to talk. You have also made it easier for you to re-open the conversation if the situation continues or worsens. Either way, you have set a tone of openness and honesty for your relationship.
Do you have a family situation you’d like to share?