Straight Talk Blog

Attitude – you gotta have it!

June 24th, 2010

If you have a positive attitude, words like optimistic, forward looking and energetic describe you. You take a Go Get ‘em approach to challenges and problems. You go out to do good things and to have good days. In doing so your enthusiasm infects and energises others so they also have better days.

Looking to the soccer teams in the current World Cup for examples is irresistible, so I’d choose New Zealand and Slovenia as teams whose positive attitudes are helping them make a little bit of sporting history.

A negative attitude works in exactly the opposite way. It is conveyed in low energy, pessimism, and being disheartened. By being sure that everything will go wrong, people with negative attitudes help ensure that it does. Sports coaches know all about the killer effects of negative attitude and so at the level of World Cup soccer it’s unlikely you’ll see much evidence of it.

But you’re on your own in singles tennis and a susceptibility to negative attitude can be your worst opponent. Watch the Wimbledon matches over the next two weeks. Compare the players who can come back from two sets down to win, with those who give up when a line call goes against them.

Bad attitudes come in all forms. Some people simply ‘have attitude’. The French team has attitude, both good and bad. They showed team spirit in solidarity with the player who was sent home, but poor attitude in that their subsequent actions have threatened to jeopardise their World Cup aspirations.

Then there are people who seem not to have any attitude at all. Italy and the England skipper come to mind. Neutral, disengaged, unmotivated, they lack the energy that leaders and teams needs for inspiration and top performance.

The best thing about attitude is that you can choose yours. Admittedly, choosing to be positive at a time when everything seems to be against you is difficult, but being able to do so – more than anything else – distinguishes the winners from the losers.

What attitude have you chosen for today?

Generations X and Y

June 21st, 2010

I’m sure you are familiar with the terms Baby Boomers and Generations X and Y.

Baby Boomers were born between 1946 and 1964, so they are starting to retire.

Generation X was born between 1965 and 1979. They are now between 28 and 42 years old so many are in managerial positions of authority.

Generation Y was born from 1980 to 1984 and are now between 13 and 27.

There have always been generation gaps, and I’m sure that each generation has thought theirs to be worse than all the previous ones. This time around we might be correct.

It is particularly obvious in the gap between Baby Boomer managers and their Generation X and Y employees. Some managers have found their way around it and have developed wonderfully creative and productive relationships with their younger staff. Collaboration, informality, freedom, feedback and self development seem to be key words.

Others haven’t, and are stuck with old style management practices which value authority, experience, occasional critical feedback, and would never allow Work Life Balance to interfere with getting the job done.

Do you have any experiences you’d like to share, either as a manager or as a Generation X or Y person?

I’d love to hear from you.

Those conversations that scare you…

June 15th, 2010

I am still receiving replies to my invitation for people to tell me about conversations that they find scary.

Here is a sample of the suggestions I have received.

At work many of the conversations involve speaking up about decisions you feel are unfair, or about someone’s less than tolerable management style, even when you have been asked for feedback.

Some of you don’t know how to go about asking for a salary increase.

Many managers find it difficult to give critical feedback to staff members who have become friends. Some people feel harassed or disrespected on the basis of race or sex and are scared that speaking up may jeopardise their careers.

Then there are the people whose managers still feel it is OK to give negative feedback in public and at the top of their voices. Speaking up to them may have you on the receiving end of the same style of feedback!

Conversations between colleagues or friends are needed when you feel someone is taking advantage of your kindness: or of your hard work, and taking the credit for it too. Other conversations involve issues of disrespect, negative attitudes and how to handle the people who hog every conversation with tales of their sick children, errant teenagers, and ex-spouses or those soon to be ex.

Conversations in families are even more hazardous: with grandparents and in laws, when you hold very different views of the world: with sons and daughters who want to make decisions about career or marriage with which you disagree strongly: and with ‘cuckoo’ children who enjoy free board and lodging far too much to ever fly the nest.

I’m not promising that I have the solution to every one of these problems: remembering that one of the Straight Talk principles is to choose your battles. But they give me wonderful material around which to structure a book entitled Straight Talk: conversations that scare you!

If you have more ideas, do send them to me at maureen@gateways.co.za

Win Win conversations

June 7th, 2010

The majority of people with whom I consult are concerned about the quality of their relationships, either in their personal lives or at work, or both. While they may realise that the conversations they hold reflect the tone of their relationships, they are often unaware of the problems they create for themselves in the way they approach conversations.

The reality is that most of the time we go into conversations to get the other person to:

 do it our way

 see it our way

 admit that they are wrong, and by implication, that we are right.

In conversations about important issues on which we feel strongly, we are skilful in our use of a range of techniques such as persuading, pulling rank, bullying, intimidating, threatening and laying guilt trips, to achieve our goals. We give little if any thought to what the other person wants, needs or feels. It’s all about ‘Me’ and ‘Win’ and ‘Control’!

No wonder that in many of our relationships there is little trust, information is not shared, and argument substitutes for conversation.

A constructive conversation, like a good relationship, is a two person game. The rule of the game is Win Win. If you want to improve the quality of your relationships and your conversations, start out by giving as much thought to the wants, needs and feelings of the other person, as you do to your own. See what a difference it makes.

My new book: Conversations that scare you.

June 4th, 2010

The next book that I’m planning to write has the working title ‘Straight Talk: conversations that scare you’.

I’ve been doing some research for it with my clients and recently asked them to send me outlines for conversations that they think are scary. I’ve been blown away by the number who replied and by the detail of some of the replies. It looks like there are a lot of conversations that people are afraid of but in which they wish they knew how to speak up!

The majority seem to be when you have something to say but you’re afraid that you will damage the relationship if you speak up. So you bite your lip and hold back your frustration, anger or hurt.

If you’d like to be part of the research for the book, send me some of your scariest conversations. They may be conversations you walked away from; or ones when you spoke up, but too late, wished you hadn’t. They may be conversations facing you right now. You can also ask your friends for their worst conversations!

Here are some areas in which you may have ideas.

•Colleagues at work who drive you crazy

•Your toxic boss

•Neighbours from hell

•Friends who take advantage of you

•Conversations that make or break relationships

•Conversations in families; with partners, children and in-laws

•Conversations about your children (with child minders, teachers, doctors, other parents)

•In your social life; sports clubs, book clubs, PTAs

Are there conversations you’re scared of?

Send your ideas for inclusion in the research for the next book on Straight Talk.

maureen@gateways.co.za

Speaking up to a manager

May 31st, 2010

Every day I’m meeting people who are stressed and frustrated because they are unable to speak up to their managers with their ideas, opinions, and also their frustrations.

So here are some pointers.

 When your power base is low and the stakes are high, proceed with care. These conversations can be career limiting. Plan exactly what you will say. If necessary, write it down to check that you are not coming across with accusation or blame. It may be wise to use the steps below on an easy issue first before you try to raise a more sensitive topic.

 Be clear on what you want to talk about. In your planning focus on choosing a few, straightforward, concise words that best describe the issue. Do not pussyfoot!

 One of the safest openings to any conversations is to phrase it as a question. To a boss whose communication style is entirely one way, you might say, ‘Can we talk about something that’s getting in the way of our working together?’

 Then describe the behaviour that is causing you frustration. You must be absolutely specific and accurate. Choose a recent event so that the manager recognises his or her own behaviour.

 Then say how you feel about the situation, but be tentative. There may be many interpretations of the situation. “Maybe I‘m being too sensitive, but I’m starting to feel you don’t want input from me.”

 Finally, ask for your manager’s input so you can get into conversation around the issue. There are two sides to every story. Inviting input lets you find out how the other person sees the situation and is a way of helping minimize defensiveness. You might say, ‘I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to bring my ideas to you more effectively”.

You get results when you build relationships

May 27th, 2010

Everyone talks about the importance of relationships; in teams, with customers, with your boss, with your staff; in families, with spouses and partners. But mostly what I hear are people holding the kind of conversations that do little to build relationships and are often virtually guaranteed to damage them!

I hear emotional outbursts, accusations and blame. I see people offering their opinions without taking the trouble to find out the facts. I see persuasion, coercion and power play.

When relationships are strained, when people are not performing, projects are delayed and family members are avoiding one another, it’s likely there are conversations you’re not having, or are not having effectively.

You’ll never achieve the results you want if you don’t have open, honest conversations that help develop good relationships as much as they focus on getting results.

Rapport in practice

May 17th, 2010

We know that when you don’t have rapport with an audience, you have no effective communication. I was recently reminded, and very forcefully, how true that is.

I was in a presentation where the first speaker was skilful, relaxed, upbeat and enthusiastic, had no need of notes and was known and respected by many people in the group. His rapport with the audience was perfect. People hung on his words.

Enter speaker two. Low key and a little dry, he spoke without energy or enthusiasm in his gestures or voice, talked as much to his notes as to the audience and was unknown to virtually everyone.

The change in the audience was inevitable and almost instantaneous. It took about 30 seconds of the second speaker starting his presentation before people began to fidget, check their mobiles, their watches and their notebooks. Someone left. So did the energy in the room. Time started to drag.

Did the second speaker have interesting things to say? We weren’t listening. Was he competent in his subject matter? We didn’t care. That’s how audiences are.

When you don’t have rapport with your audience, you don’t have a connection. Where there’s no connection, there’s no communication.

That’s not something any of us should ever forget!

Feedback – scary stuff!

May 17th, 2010

You will have seen on the web site that my first book on Straight Talk was published recently. As I went to buy the Sunday newspaper in which a review of the book had been published, I reflected on feedback and how a review of a book is actually performance feedback.

I felt excited, and a bit apprehensive, as I mused on how it felt to receive feedback in writing and in public; feedback where there was no consultation or communication with me before it was made public. I’m not complaining. It’s part of the process of writing a book. If you’re lucky it gets reviews, and if you’re lucky some are positive. But it’s scary stuff!

Then I watched the TV debates as part of the run up to the British elections, listened to the commentary afterwards and read the newspapers the following day. I thought of performers such as musicians, and actors. They receive feedback in the form of audience applause, newspaper and magazine reviews, and longer term from the purchase of CDs and DVDs, concert and theatre seats.

I wondered how sportsmen and women feel when their successes and failures are splashed across sports pages and TV screens. I imagined how it would feel to be a celebrity figure whose every step – and misstep – is performed under public and critical scrutiny.

And I decided that receiving feedback from one’s manager in a corporate environment is not nearly as bad as many of us think!

Sunday Times book review http://www.timeslive.co.za/business/careers/article416821.ece/How-to-handle-difficult-office-issues

Coaching? Enough now!

May 17th, 2010

Coaching, counselling, mentoring, one-on-ones; performance management, appraisal, review…I see managers spend enormous amounts of time talking to employees in an effort to help them improve their performance.

But with what results?

The logic starts with the assumption that there is an effective selection process in place that ensures people are placed in positions where they have the capability to be competent. If this assumption holds true, there should be only two outcomes of coaching.

The first, and most desirable one, is that the person reaches a competent level of performance in an acceptable space of time.

The second is that the person is removed from the position. Removal may mean a transfer to a position more suited to his or her capabilities, or may mean dismissal from the company.

It really is that simple. Endless coaching sessions that soak up management time and energy without producing any visible results, other than the illusion that the problem is being addressed, make no sense at all.

It’s good that organisations have moved away from an authoritarian style where firing someone was the only management response to poor performance. But sometimes I think we’ve moved too far to the other extreme.