Difficult conversations happen to everyone. The more emotion that is involved, the more likely it is that the conversation ends in a blame game, wild accusations, tears and anger. Everyone retreats into silence, only to have the whole thing erupt at some later timewhen emotion gets the better of us again. There is a better way! You can learn how to make difficult conversations safe by following the tips below. See what a difference they make to your conversations, and to your relationships!
1. Declare your good intentions
You need to approach a difficult conversation with good intention to work for an outcome that meets both your needs and those of the other person. If you are intent on taking advantage of the situation, without regard for what the other person needs or wants, it is inevitable that you will end up in an argument.
2. Set the tone
Open a difficult conversation with words that will get the attention of the other person and signal that you want to have a serious conversation. Ask for agreement that you can proceed with the conversation before you go ahead.
3. Avoid misunderstanding
When your intentions might be misunderstood, remove the misconception by contrasting it with what you want to do instead. For example, you might say to an employee you have called to your office, “This conversation is not about your current performance. Today, I’d like us to spend some time looking at your career options with the company.”
4. Set ground rules
Agree ground rules for the conversation BEFORE you get into the conversation. “Can we agree to hear each other out?” works well, but only if it is agreed before you start to argue. There are many useful ground rules such as, “Can we agree to look for a solution that works equally well for both of us?” and “Can we stick to the facts that we each have and not bring hearsay into our conversation?”
5. Put the facts first
Present the facts first BEFORE you give your interpretation of the situation. This allows the other person to see how you formed your opinion, even though they might not agree with your conclusion. Facts ground a conversation in reality.
6. Keep it short
The fewer words you use in explaining a problem, the safer you will be. Using lots of words carries the risk that you will say something accusing or inflammatory and you risk interruption before you have put your case on the table.
7. Own your feelings
It is important to express how you feel in a difficult conversation without holding the other person responsible for your feelings. Statements like, “You made me so angry” or “You humiliated me” are accusations. When you say “I was very angry”, or “I felt humiliated”, you are taking responsibility for your feelings without laying blame and creating defensiveness.
8. Apologise
When you realize you are truly in the wrong a sincere apology is the only way to go. It must include an offer to make amends and a genuine intention not to repeat the action. The sincere show of respect contained in an apology underlines your good intentions in the conversation.
9. Keep it tentative
You feel strongly about a situation, you have all the facts, and you think you are in the right. Maybe not! Likely enough the other person also thinks they have all the facts and feels equally strongly that they are in the right. Approach difficult conversations prepared to hear things you didn’t know and have not thought of, and prepared to shift your ground to accommodate this new information.
10. Listen up
You can only infer a person’s intentions from their actions. You do not have knowledge of all their background, experiences, beliefs, values, expectations, hopes and fears. So how can you possibly know exactly why they acted as they did? The only way you will ever get to understand the other person’s behaviour or viewpoint is to ask and listen without judgment. It’s perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of any difficult conversation.
