It sounds so easy. Facts are facts, that is, until we feel strongly about something. Then emotions take over, and not even facts are what they seem. There are four common mistakes that we make.
1. We load the facts with emotional baggage. The emotional tone of a statement is most often carried in the non verbal signals that accompany the words. You may choose your words carefully, with the full intention to have an open discussion about something, but the tone, pitch and loudness of your voice all give away your true intent...to accuse or blame. Gestures such as finger pointing, raising eyebrows and frowning, add to the effect. Standing up, pacing around, and waving your arms make the message unmistakable. The open discussion becomes attack and defense. A delegate on a workshop recently said, "It isn't a conversation; it's a street fight!"
2. We present opinions and feelings as if they are facts. We say things like," Well, the fact is, I think..." and much of the time we get away with it. In the heat of argument, few of us are thinking clearly enough to put up a challenge. No-one stops to ask why the conversation is getting more and more out of hand as each participant reacts every more strongly to the accusations of the other when the facts become lost in the emotional cloud.
3. We generalize and exaggerate when we should be specific and accurate. We say, "You're always late" when the facts are that "You have been 20 minutes late twice this week". Words such as always, never and everybody, are almost certain to be inaccurate and are therefore likely to evoke a defensive response from the person to whom they are directed.
4. We present facts that don't support the case we are trying to make. For example, if you are discussing future career direction with an employee whom you think would make a better technical specialist than a manger, you need facts to support the person's excellent technical performance AND those that support poor management behaviour. If you are discussing a pattern of recurring behaviour, you need more than just one example! When selecting the facts that you will present in a discussion, from all those that are available, you need to consider the ones that have given rise to your feelings about, or interpretation of the situation. Then the other person can see how you arrived at your opinion, even if they don't agree with it.
There are conversational topics that will always be difficult to handle, and people who will be volatile and defensive. Getting your facts straight before you start a conversation and using them accurately during it, gives you the best chance of keeping the discussion on a rational and emotionally objective basis.
