People often say they make difficult conversations even more difficult by becoming emotional; and later regretting, deeply, what they have said. Expressing our feelings is not easy, and most of us have learned to be very cautious, scared even, about doing it: scared of the negative reaction we might cause, scared that we'll look foolish or vulnerable, scared that we might damage the relationship. So we play safe, bite our lips, suffer in silence. Even in our most intimate and important relationships we often go to extreme lengths to avoid telling it like it is - especially when it comes to expressing how we feel.

We forget that while emotions can be buried, they don't go away. Most often, the more we try to ignore them, the more they build up. Finally when they explode, they do indeed do damage; damage that might have been avoided if we had spoken up right at the beginning.

Explaining how you feel about something, especially after days, weeks or months of hiding it, is usually accompanied by an immense sense of release. When you speak up, tell the truth, the pressure is off. The truth is the bottom line. There's only one version. When you tell it there is no danger that you will forget what you've said, contradict yourself at a later date or tell someone else something different. Once it's out there, it can be dealt with. While you are hiding it, you are not dealing with reality. The real causes of problems are not discussed; action to solve them is not taken. As unresolved problems build up, so do the accompanying feelings.

Given that it is difficult to speak up about feelings, it's worth knowing two basic steps that minimize the risk.

Start by describing what has given rise to your feelings. What happened, what was said? It's important to be able to describe exactly what you are reacting to, so the other person can see the source of your feelings. It does not mean that they will necessarily agree with your reaction, but at least they can see where it came from. Choose your words so as to avoid blame and accusation. Stick to the facts and keep it as clear and simple as possible. When you have decided which facts you will use, check that they are the best ones to use to show where your feelings came from.

Then label your feelings. Identify exactly how you are feeling. This is not as easy as it sounds and it may take some time before you find the right words. Start with "I". Anything else will come across as an accusation. To a friend who was critical of you in front of others, you might say, "When you said, (quote his or her words), I was embarrassed". How different it sounds when you say, "You embarrassed me!"

Getting in touch with your feelings and learning how to express them can be a life's work. Start with simple things and in safe relationships. The rewards will make it well worth while.