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There are families where any request by a child that is rejected by a parent merely signals the start of a negotiation. It goes like this.
Mum (or Dad), can I stay over with John on Thursday night?
No – Friday is a school day
But Ma (or Da) – I won’t have any homework that night and...
Conversations like this can go on and on until a parent gives in, either from exhaustion, or children being the expert negotiators that they are, from being out manoeuvred. Each time the child wins a negotiation it is more likely that the next conversation will follow exactly the same course.
One effective way to avoid being drawn into conversations like these is to agree on the rules up front. It means you have one negotiation in which you agree how all similar situations will be handled in future. Then you stick to that agreement. You can do it for bedtime, sleepovers, watching TV or doing homework. It also works in marriages and in dealing with your in-laws!
The word negotiation means an agreement that is reached through discussion. That means you won’t always get exactly what you want. It also means that imposing your own expectations will not get you the agreement you want either.
Parents who are accustomed to being in positions of authority in which others comply with their instructions often have more difficulty with negotiation than their children do. As a parent you may be able to impose your will on your children and obtain their compliance while they are young. But as they become teenagers that compliance may not be so easily obtained.
Making an effort up front to agree expectations of behaviour can be the best way of dealing with a problem: you avoid having it in the first place.
- Supermum
- Giving praise
- Speak up - but plan first
- Discipline or obedience
- Consequences
- Reaching agreement
- Facts and opinions
- Dealing with emotions
- Tips for dealing with emotions
- How to stand up to a bully
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