Clear out the clutter. Three months into the year and you’re feeling stressed out? Ask yourself how many of your current problems – the ones that haunt you, the ones you feel most guilty about, the ones that make your blood boil - were last year’s problems too. How many are issues that you have been scared to confront in case you made things worse? You’ll feel better when you clear out the clutter of long term, unresolved conflicts. It’s likely the other person will too.
Should I say anything? “A new person has recently been appointed to our team. In conversation at lunch yesterday, he told a joke that I found extremely offensive. A couple of others looked a bit stunned, but there was some laughter. I didn’t know what to say at the time, but feel I must speak to him, not only because I was embarrassed by his behaviour but also because I think others could well feel the same. This isn’t the kind of talk we are used to in our team.” First question is, “Should you speak up?” Chances are that if you don’t, you will end up withdrawing from his company, talking behind his back, and getting more and more upset about his behaviour. Next, you want to be clear why you are choosing to have the conversation. If it is to convey your judgment and accusation, you are likely to end up in a damaging interchange that you will wish you had never started. If, on the other hand, you intend to offer your observations and ask him for his view on the situation, your good intentions should be sufficiently evident for the two of you to talk. When your good intentions are sincere, you need not fear that your tone of voice, facial expression or body language will come across as judgmental and accusing. Choose a private place and a convenient time. Open the conversation by describing the difference between what you expected and what you observed. You don’t expect someone to talk like that in a work group of people from all kinds of backgrounds. In your team you all show a general respectfulness toward each other. You might say, “When you told the joke about (label it briefly) in front of everyone at lunch yesterday, I was surprised. I felt embarrassed and I sensed that others might have been embarrassed too. We don’t talk like that in our team. How do you see it?” If you create safety for the two of you to talk, you are unlikely to damage your working relationship and your colleague is unlikely to repeat a behaviour that he now knows is inappropriate. If you would like to receive Straight Talk tips on a monthly basis, email us!
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