"I am the only woman in our management team. I’m trying not to be overly sensitive, but I can’t help noticing that in the three months I have been in the team, I have not been able to build any close working relationship with my colleagues. They are all very civil to me, they include me in meetings and task teams. But I never seem to be included in the general banter around the office or in casual conversations. What can I say that might help the situation without over- reacting or looking silly?"

Dealing with a situation like this constructively means first dealing with the voices in your head. These are the voices saying, "They don't like me", "They think that because I'm a woman I'm being emotional", "They're not being fair", "They should give me a chance". When you start to hear voices like these, notice the data you have that supports your feelings. Maybe you have exaggerated to yourself; or you have generalized from one instance. Waiting and noticing may be enough to make the voices go away.

Sometimes they don't. Now you have to notice whether you are acting out your feelings. Does your eye contact or tone of voice betray you? Is there anything in your behaviour that subtly communicates your negative feelings to the group? When you catch yourself acting out feelings you know it's time to speak up.

Choose a safe place and time. DON'T start with your feelings!  Start with your observations of how the team behaves. This allows others to understand the source of your concerns. Tell them you share responsibility for the current situation. Tell them how you feel. Then ask if you can talk it through.

When the facts are clear and actions are explained, when dialogue is open and intentions are shared, relationships generally improve.

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