Conversations about performance or behaviour have many starting points but all have an underlying emotional tone.
- I’m frustrated: you keep getting this wrong.
- I’m disappointed: you’re capable of so much better.
- I was embarrassed by the way you spoke to me.
Most of us use two approaches alternately in handling conversations on topics like this. In one we control our emotions completely; in the other, we let our emotions control us. Neither is effective.
When you shut out emotions completely, you typically describe the problem and then either tell or ask the other person how it is going to be resolved. These conversations are not very effective. When you don’t say how strongly you feel about a problem, there is little motivation for anyone to take you seriously or change their behaviour.
Controlling your emotions to the point of denying them completely deprives you of one of the most powerful influencing mechanisms you have at your disposal.
When you don’t communicate clearly and strongly, problems gradually become worse. Finally, when your tolerance and patience and with them your self control, run out; your pent up feelings of frustration and anger take over and you explode. Feelings are hurt and relationships are damaged. But the problems go unresolved because no rational analysis or discussion of causes or solutions has been carried out.
Keeping feelings completely out of conversations, or letting them take over in emotional outbursts, is both impractical and ineffective. Expressing how you feel in an emotionally intelligent way reduces your stress and makes it more likely you will find lasting solutions to problems.
The next book on Straight Talk, How to manage conversations that scare you, is due for publication in July this year.
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