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For most of us the thought of confrontation sits up there with going to the dentist, making an off-the-cuff speech or being summoned by our bank manager. What are we scared of? Are we afraid that our emotions will run away with us when we feel strongly about issues? Are we scared of exposing ourselves to counter attack? Is it the knowledge that the stakes are high and relationships may be at risk? Or is it that we just don’t know how to handle confrontations with people whose view of the world is very different from ours?
When we postpone a confrontation two things happen. First, we become increasingly upset and emotional about the situation. Second, by not speaking up we are tacitly accepting the behaviour that is causing our distress. The consequence of delaying a confrontation therefore is that we become less competent to handle it, and we are more likely to encounter justifiable indignation or anger from the other person, because we have not spoken up earlier. The lesson is clear. When faced with the need to have a confrontation, the best time to have it is sooner, rather than later. How can you ensure it is constructive? The most important step is to plan exactly what you are going to say. How will you describe the circumstances that have given rise to your concerns? Facts, events, people, times, places…you cannot be too specific in describing your source data. Then plan how you will describe your feelings about the situation. Your objective should be to put your view forward in a way that encourages the other person to share theirs. Wild accusations won’t help! They only make the conversation unsafe for everyone. When you have shared your views – and listened to each other’s standpoint – then, and only then, will you be in a position to start negotiating an agreement.It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Remind yourself that the dread of anticipating a confrontation is usually far outweighed by the relief of knowing it’s over. If you would like to receive Straight Talk tips on a monthly basis, email us!
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