How about a year when we talk to each other?

Talking is easy when people see the world in much the same way, when they know they can trust each other, when they have everyone’s best interests at heart and when there’s time to agree on what’s happening. It’s all the other times that are the problem: when there is disagreement, when people have hidden agendas, when you’re feeling accused or threatened, when you’ve been deceived or let down previously and when the stakes are high.

In difficult circumstances, talking virtually stops. We retreat to the TV, behind a newspaper or into a book. We deflect enquiry, freezing out friends and partners with the classic, “No, I’m fine, really!” Knowing that attack is the best form of defense, we blame, accuse and exaggerate. Problems remain unresolved, relationships disintegrate…and we talk even less. I

It’s surprising how little it takes to make a difference. Start with three ideas.

• Take the age old advice, ”Think before you speak”. Count to 10. While you’re counting, look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. While you think they are the cause of the problem, it’s quite likely they feel just as strongly that you are the cause of the problem! There are always two sides.
• Then focus on the facts. What exactly happened? Who said what? Separate the facts from opinion and accusation.
• Thirdly, put a label on how you feel. Are you disappointed, embarrassed, uncertain, apprehensive, confused, hurt? Think how you can explain your feelings without accusing anyone of causing them. “I was embarrassed”, instead of “You embarrassed me!”

Keep it simple. Try these three ideas one at a time. See what a difference they can make to how you talk – and to your relationships with the people around you.