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When did you last talk to someone where you were sure you had their full attention?
When did you last give your full attention to someone who was talking to you?
One of the consequences of having to get things done under a constant bombardment of phone calls, SMSs, paper work, e-mails and face to face chatter is that we like to think we have developed the art of multi tasking. It’s commonly thought of as the ability to attend to several things at once. Its corollary is that we do not give full attention to anything, and it shows up most clearly in the quality of our listening.
Think how often you have said you were listening when you were really:
- thinking of something else
- waiting to interrupt
- doing something else
- forming an argument
- wishing you could talk about your own problem
- planning advice you could give.
The very best listeners hear what is not said. They pick up on tone of voice, body language and nuances in the conversation. They acknowledge what they have heard, empathise with feelings and ask questions to clarify, not direct. By their listening they encourage others to think more thoughtfully and find better solutions to problems.
Most of us however, don’t even hear what is said, let alone what is not said, and our listening discourages others from thinking deeply, expressing feelings openly, or clarifying problems properly.
What difference could you make to the quality of your conversations if you used your listening skills more generously?
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